I try to talk to the Father when I wake up every morning and tell Him that I trust Him. I give up my attempts to be the judge of myself and others, I allow Him to be in that place. I ask Him to empower me to see myself and others the way He does; I ask to receive and give love and forgiveness. It all sounds good, and honestly, some days are better than others. I also have learned to allow myself to be a human. I’m not an animal, nor am I an angel.
Today trust is being honest with myself, others and the Father.
It’s calling out the lies and not listening to them.
So today its kinda hard to take. I want to DO something, GET something, FIND something….I’m fighting the urge to STRIVE and try to make things happen. I can’t give in to that. But I feel like I can and then I’ll be ok. There’s an evil pride and soothing masochism in feeling like I’m the exception.
The invitation for me is to take a seat on the bench in the sun, to trust by breathing in, waiting, and relaxing. In life I’m like my 6 year old son Luke as he trys to sit still at the dinner table or while doing homework. It’s almost impossible for him. Yet I constantly tell him, “Luke, sit still.”
I hear You saying that to me, Papa. I’m trying. I’m longing for distraction and the calming of busyness. The anxiety and nervous energy is hard to just sit with.
I think the desire for having things all together is an idol. When I’m looking at the waves, my eyes aren’t on You. I feel like I’m sinking then. But I still look at them. The wind is blowing, the water is cold and very rough. It doesn’t make any sense to be trying to walk on water. Why did I think I could do this? What if I would have just stayed in the boat? I’m not this, or I’m not that. I don’t have this or I don’t have that. I need this, I need that. I don’t want this, I don’t want that. Help me. Fix me. Save me.
Its funny, I think, to ask God for things and then just fixate on the waves.
Look at Me.
Sit still. Stop trying.
Just be. You can lose it all and be very ok. You can be fine without having what you think you need. Remember, you see things through some skewed reflection and fog. I see things perfectly, clearly. Some day you will see as I do. Someday you will know as you are known. Until then, sit still.
This is a song by Waterdeep. I’ll be singing it today.
by Lori Chaffer
When you feel like the days just drone on and on and on
And you feel like the nights are quickly gone
And on the inside your heart is gaping wide
And on the inside you feel like no one’s on your side
Well, I am
When you thought you could rest, but you found out you were wrong
And there’s another need another battle
Another one more thing that comes along
And on the inside
You hear the fall but you hate the falling sound
And on the inside
You can’t pick another broken piece up off of the ground
Well I know
Hush little baby don’t say a word
Daddy’s gone and bought you a great big heaven to rest in
He’s bought it with blood and put the seal in your heart
It’ll give you the hope you need to get up and start again
When all the things you thought you left behind are still hanging on
And everything you try to do right ends up all wrong
And on the inside everyone else seems basically fine
But on the inside even they won’t let go of the dead and cling to what’s alive
Well I AM