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I am by nature a worrier. Anxiety is something that is part of my physical make-up. It’s hereditary. It’s just there. I don’t like it and wish it would just go away.

But…

I’m learning some pretty cool things about my anxiety.

I don’t need medicine for it at this point.  There was a time when Zanax was definitely necesaary.

Not right now.

When I needed it I took it.  It was hard at first.  Admitting that I needed medicine was difficult.  But I was in such a bad place that I couldn’t get to any level ground without it.

Last week anxiety showed up in some crazy ways.

I was distant from my wife.  I didn’t even realize it until she said that she felt something wierd between us.  It was obvious once I stopped to think about it.  But, until she said something I was just going with the flow.  Which, in hind sight, was really stupid.

Because….

I was alone in it….

I hate being alone.  When I worry I alienate myself.  It felt so good to just say “I’m scared to death about…..”  She knew.  She held me.  She loved me and didn’t think any less of me.

Then..

On Friday I got a call from Amy.  It was a number I didn’t recognize.  She introduced herself.  She asked if I was Davis Everly.  I said, “No.  I’m Mr. Everly, but there is no ‘Davis’.”  She said she was with Salli Mae, a student loan company and that I was the co-signer on a loan that was over 150 days past due.

Holy $#&%^!

To make a long story short, I’m a victim of identity theft.  Two student loans…one for $28, 976 and one for $13,100.

I used the f-word about 100 times in 10 minutes.  My credit score is more like an Alaskan temperature reading at this point.

What made me so angry?

Fear.  Anxiety.  The worry that told me I would lose something.  Money?  The ability to borrow?  Security?  Control?

How silly.

Wow.  I’m not as far along as I thought I was.

I’ve taken a step back and have tried to get some perspective.  It’ll all be fine

This past weekend was a not-so-subtle reminder of what it’s like, how good it is, to just let go of all that stuff and just trust.

TRUST.

“I’m desperate for You.  I’m lost without You.”

Father, I trust You.  I don’t want anything to do with my care or well being.  I’m just gonna leave it up to You.  I smile when I just chill out.  I’m at peace when I just let You take care of it all.

It’s good for me to just chill out…

I love trusting You.

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middle-finger

This may come across strong. If so, cool. Because I feel pretty strongly about it.

I’m not voting.

I don’t know either of these guys. Neither do you. (Sorry for the assumptions and judgments.)

We know what we hear…from the television and online and in-print. Seriously. Are you kidding me?

When you trust your television

What you get is what you got

‘Cause when they own the information

They can bend it all they want…

I hate politics for a lot of reasons.
I’ve been lied to over and over and over again.  By democrats, by republicans.  I’ll believe in him or him when I see what they said.

Again, forgive me, but this is my blog, right?

I don’t care if you’re pink or yellow or black or grape.  I don’t care if you have endured hardship.  You’re probably where you are because you’re a liar, Mr./Mrs. Politician.  You said a lot of stuff and most likely didn’t do very much of it.  I will wait and see.  If you win and do what you say, I’ll admit that I missed the bandwagon.

Politics have done a lot of good, I have to admit.  But in the end, the Story is good and restored not because of anything political, but because of everything that seems to be the opposite of what we want or think we need.  There really is only one good way to lead nations.  The Theocracy was what was intended.  We didn’t like it.  Now we live with the consequences.

So, I’m protesting.  Not Prop X or Ballot Measure Y, but the system.  The process sucks and I don’t want anything to do with it.

We want to help the hungry and poor and needy?  Then do it.  A vote can sure help because there may be hope in the potential of a lot of money being given.  I doubt it will happen.

My family and I can make a difference.  Together, alone, with friends, in our world.  I don’t need a donkey or an elephant.

I weep over the horrors of the demise of the innocent.  I won’t rely on anyone else to do something about it.  I’ll do what I can.

I don’t trust politics or politicians.  That’s just the way it is.  It can’t save us.  It probably won’t help us.  (It will help some, and hurt just as many or more.)

My opinions.  My heart.

Take it or leave it.  Vote if you need to, if you’re led to.

I’m disgusted by the whole display.  Am I gonna fall for this again? No way.

One guy slings crap, the other doesn’t.  One guy kills the other doesn’t.  One will bomb, the other might not.   One looks you in the eye, one doesn’t.  I have no way of knowing them, except through the partial reporting and opinions of the partial and other liars.  Not a very dependable source of information for formulating very large beliefs and opinions.

Everyone is right in this, and everyone is wrong.  We’re just humans after all.

The whole circus makes me angry and dreadfully sad.  I can’t wait until it’s all over.

What a freaking waste of money and time.  But, I guess there’s no way around it.

I won’t be sharing this verbally with many.  But it’s heavy on my heart….

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