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Posts Tagged ‘trust’

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I am by nature a worrier. Anxiety is something that is part of my physical make-up. It’s hereditary. It’s just there. I don’t like it and wish it would just go away.

But…

I’m learning some pretty cool things about my anxiety.

I don’t need medicine for it at this point.  There was a time when Zanax was definitely necesaary.

Not right now.

When I needed it I took it.  It was hard at first.  Admitting that I needed medicine was difficult.  But I was in such a bad place that I couldn’t get to any level ground without it.

Last week anxiety showed up in some crazy ways.

I was distant from my wife.  I didn’t even realize it until she said that she felt something wierd between us.  It was obvious once I stopped to think about it.  But, until she said something I was just going with the flow.  Which, in hind sight, was really stupid.

Because….

I was alone in it….

I hate being alone.  When I worry I alienate myself.  It felt so good to just say “I’m scared to death about…..”  She knew.  She held me.  She loved me and didn’t think any less of me.

Then..

On Friday I got a call from Amy.  It was a number I didn’t recognize.  She introduced herself.  She asked if I was Davis Everly.  I said, “No.  I’m Mr. Everly, but there is no ‘Davis’.”  She said she was with Salli Mae, a student loan company and that I was the co-signer on a loan that was over 150 days past due.

Holy $#&%^!

To make a long story short, I’m a victim of identity theft.  Two student loans…one for $28, 976 and one for $13,100.

I used the f-word about 100 times in 10 minutes.  My credit score is more like an Alaskan temperature reading at this point.

What made me so angry?

Fear.  Anxiety.  The worry that told me I would lose something.  Money?  The ability to borrow?  Security?  Control?

How silly.

Wow.  I’m not as far along as I thought I was.

I’ve taken a step back and have tried to get some perspective.  It’ll all be fine

This past weekend was a not-so-subtle reminder of what it’s like, how good it is, to just let go of all that stuff and just trust.

TRUST.

“I’m desperate for You.  I’m lost without You.”

Father, I trust You.  I don’t want anything to do with my care or well being.  I’m just gonna leave it up to You.  I smile when I just chill out.  I’m at peace when I just let You take care of it all.

It’s good for me to just chill out…

I love trusting You.

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My wife and I had another chance to steal away on the bike last weekend.

I can’t seem to get enough and I want to ride more and more.

Not just around town but long, leg stretching jaunts into the mountains, up or down the coast, through the city….anywhere.

It’s therapeutic to have so much time looking through the face shield of a helmet.

Thoughts come and go.

Some of them rattle through checklists of supplies and gear and things we should have grabbed on the way out the door.  Others analyze the road, the wind and the air temperature;  the traffic and cockpit display.  They sometimes turn into words spoken to the people in the cars around me who can’t seem to get out of my way.  It doesn’t matter that the tones simply reflect off of the plastic of my visor and become amplified as they return to my head in a condescending reminder that I’m the one breaking the law.

Sometimes I think about the next ride.  The whens, wheres, hows.  I’d love to see the Redwoods.  Oregon’s not far then when you’re there….

It’s a very anonymous place.  No one can see or know me.  It’s safe there.

One of my many ruminations on this trek was this poem from The Lord of the Rings (no, not the movie).  Mr. Tolkien masterfully hides so much of what’s going on and what will happen into some short verse:

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

Yeah, you should read it again…maybe a few times.

It’s beautiful.

For the purposes of this post and the divigulgence of thoughts from the road I’m forced to just reflect on one portion of this poem.

The line “Not all those who wander are lost” sang to me all weekend.

I used to be so into the destination.

Let’s get there.

Leave on time, arrive on time.

The trip is wearying at best.  Get it over with.

To be out there on the road, on the way, was a necessary evil.  God forbid if I ever got stuck there.  Oil levels, tire pressure, gas and snacks all checked pre-trip insured that all would go well and that I would arrive unscathed.

To get stuck or delayed or diverted was not going to happen.  It couldn’t happen.

I was scared that it might happen.

That was then.

I’m not like that anymore.  At least not as much.

I’m starting to get it, I think.  The journey.

What I see from here is that it is beautiful.

Sometimes it’s even much better than the destination.

My anxiety.  My fear.  My lack of control.

Those things have taken much from me.  I should say that I’ve allowed them to.

Maybe it’s peeking at 40, maybe it’s the loss of all opportunity to have control.  Maybe both, maybe neither.  What ever it is that’s got me seeing differently, I’m glad for it.

I love to wander.  More so on my motorcycle than in life, though.

But as it is, I wander in wonder at least.  Most of the time.  Well, sometimes.  It’s hard.  It sucks sometimes.

I love to realize that I’m not lost in this wandering.  My default is to see those who wander as aimless and purposeless and hopefully arriving somewhere soon.  I used to feel sorry for them or offer a hand.

Naive.  Arrogant.  “Privileged.”

The hope of the whole world rests on the shoulders of a homeless man.

That’s really mind boggling.

I think it might be raining in Oregon though.

My rain suit is out in the garage.  I guess I’ll just have to pack it, too.

photo by Linda Everly, late day shadows, HWY 101 North in Marin

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Today trust is definitely a place to be willing to just sit and wait and relax. Damn.

I try to talk to the Father when I wake up every morning and tell Him that I trust Him.  I give up my attempts to be the judge of myself and others, I allow Him to be in that place.  I ask Him to empower me to see myself and others the way He does;  I ask to receive and give love and forgiveness.  It all sounds good, and honestly, some days are better than others.  I also have learned to allow myself to be a human.  I’m not an animal, nor am I an angel.

Today trust is being honest with myself, others and the Father.

It’s calling out the lies and not listening to them.

So today its kinda hard to take.  I want to DO something, GET something, FIND something….I’m fighting the urge to STRIVE and try to make things happen.  I can’t give in to that.  But I feel like I can and then I’ll be ok.  There’s an evil pride and soothing masochism in feeling like I’m the exception.

The invitation for me is to take a seat on the bench in the sun, to trust by breathing in, waiting, and relaxing.  In life I’m like my 6 year old son Luke as he trys to sit still at the dinner table or while doing homework.  It’s almost impossible for him.  Yet I constantly tell him, “Luke, sit still.”

I hear You saying that to me, Papa.  I’m trying.  I’m longing for distraction and the calming of busyness.  The anxiety and nervous energy is hard to just sit with.

I think the desire for having things all together is an idol.  When I’m looking at the waves, my eyes aren’t on You.  I feel like I’m sinking then.  But I still look at them.  The wind is blowing, the water is cold and very rough.  It doesn’t make any sense to be trying to walk on water.  Why did I think I could do this?  What if I would have just stayed in the boat?  I’m not this, or I’m not that.  I don’t have this or I don’t have that.  I need this, I need that.  I don’t want this, I don’t want that.  Help me.  Fix me.  Save me.

Its funny, I think, to ask God for things and then just fixate on the waves.

Look at Me.

Trust Me.

Sit still.  Stop trying.

Just be.  You can lose it all and be very ok.  You can be fine without having what you think you need.  Remember, you see things through some skewed reflection and fog.  I see things perfectly, clearly.  Some day you will see as I do.  Someday you will know as you are known.  Until then, sit still.

This is a song by Waterdeep.  I’ll be singing it today.

Hush

by Lori Chaffer

When you feel like the days just drone on and on and on
And you feel like the nights are quickly gone

And on the inside your heart is gaping wide
And on the inside you feel like no one’s on your side
Well, I am

When you thought you could rest, but you found out you were wrong
And there’s another need another battle
Another one more thing that comes along

And on the inside
You hear the fall but you hate the falling sound
And on the inside
You can’t pick another broken piece up off of the ground
Well I know

CHORUS

Hush little baby don’t say a word
Daddy’s gone and bought you a great big heaven to rest in
He’s bought it with blood and put the seal in your heart
It’ll give you the hope you need to get up and start again

When all the things you thought you left behind are still hanging on
And everything you try to do right ends up all wrong

And on the inside everyone else seems basically fine
But on the inside even they won’t let go of the dead and cling to what’s alive
Well I AM

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for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.

From ex-Taliban member Paul’s second letter to the church of Corinth.

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Which bin do I belong in?

I am a traitor, a betrayer.  That’s the almost-bottom line.  Some days that really hits hard.  There are little things and big things that are just natural results, consequences.  Some days they just hit really hard.

To me, the only difference between Peter and Judas is which bin they chose to jump in.  Judas betrayed, Peter betrayed.   Judas ran off in shame while Peter looked into the eyes of the One he hurt so deeply.   Judas hung himself, Peter accepted the offer of restoration.

I’ve been far down the path of Judas.  Some days, weeks and even months have been dark and full of despair.  I have given up so many times.  Tired and hopeless.  Those are long, deep, dark nights.  They are the days that take pounds off of a mans body, turn hair to gray and cast a dim gloss over the eyes.  Some days I just wanted to die.

There are moments when the offer of hope called so sweetly to me that I gritted my teeth and tried and tried and tried.  Most of the time it was only a very temporary fight and I would cower back into my cave.  Once, though, when I pursued a call to hope I heard someone tell me that I wasn’t trash.  I wasn’t the stinking refuse I believed I was.  Someone reached into the green bin and pulled me up so I could see light and another way.  It was only then that I could climb out and throw myself into the blue bin.  And to be honest, the blue bin is cold and it stinks, too.  It’s the place where I get to be aware that I am empty and broken and waiting.

The blue bin is the path of Peter.  I choose the blue bin.  The bottom line is that I am loved by the Father and there is no condemnation.

I had a conversation with the Father several months ago.  I was standing during worship at our church and the conversation was so intense it drove me to the back where I sat and wept.  It went like this:

Do you trust me?

Yes, Papa, I trust you.

Do you trust Me?

Yes, I trust you.

Do you trust Me?

Father, yes, I trust you.

Then wait.

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November, 2006
If art is born from pain
Then my sketchbook is full of beautiful things
To make you cry.

Technicolor, black and white
The deepest hues, the brightest light
It’s all in there, it’s all in there.
Sighs and moans, laughs and cries
Completely honest, so full of lies
It’s all in here, it’s all in here.

If strength is found in work
Then my back will never break from heavy things
That would make you cry.

The brush-strokes on the canvas
Make a somewhat eerie sound
It’s the friction of creation, the friction of creation.
And when the Artist folds His arms
And finally wipes His brow
It’s a picture of completion, a picture of completion.

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I’m just gonna ask, Father. That’s what You’ve told us to do, right?  Ask, receive.  Sounds simple enough.  And I’m not expecting a “No” or a “Wait”.  I hated hearing those sermons.  If we ask for a fish You won’t give us a snake.

I got dreams, dreams to remember.

There are a lot of lies that I confront on a regular basis.  But I choose to listen to Truth.  The Truth is that I’m restored yet in the stream of restoration at the same time.  Is this a process or a swing and a miss? I believe in You in a way that sees You as a Good Father.  Is it enough to just be in this place where heart and head, body and soul long for and moan in words unspoken but received by Your Spirit and translated to the Son Who prays on my behalf before Your throne?  Or, do I have to say the right words at the right time from the right motives and posture?  I don’t know if I can do that.  Seems like some form of small-print legal mumbo-jumbo if that’s the case.  I don’t think You work like that.  I trust You.

Gravity is workin’ against me.  Gravity wants to bring me down.

I, too, have wept bitterly.  Where are we here?  You know that I love You.  I will feed them, lambs and sheep.  And I know I’m not responsible for what other people do or don’t do because of my actions.  I know You are big enough to work through and past and around all of that.  Events and time move on.

Gravity, stay the hell away from me.  Gravity has taken better men than me.

I believe.  Help me with my unbelief.  I feel like a malnourished, cold, hungry and tired old man.  I’m parched.  But I’m praying in faith.  Do You hear me?  Yes, You do.  I will wait.

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.  Psalm 40:1

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.  Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.  Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.  Psalm 37:4-8

Elijah was a man just like us. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years.  Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops.  James 5:17-18

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.  “Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?  If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!  Matthew 7:7-11

Keep me where the Light is.  Just keep me where the Light is.  John Mayer, “Gravity”

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